I Made a wish upon a Star a couple nights ago. Today a small rock fell from the
sky and the note attached said, LMAO...NO!

I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

.....wants you to know that you don't have to be crazy to work where she works. They train you.

I didn't mean to gain all this weight; it happened by snaccident.

My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

When I die, I want somebody to change my status to "Chilling with Jesus" and change my Occupation to "Haunting All of You" 

....has figured out the meaning of life and for a small one time fee of $59.99 I will let you in on the secret!

asked if there are too many Illegal Aliens in the U.S. , 17% Said Yes, 22% Said No, The Other 61% said, "I no speaka English."

Everything I need to know about dancing I learned from the Caddyshack gopher.